Talk to Me Tuesday – The Real Act of Marriage

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.

 

- Barbara De Angelis

I’m a married woman now! So guess what topic is hot on my mind? 

 

I absolutely agree that marriage does take place in your heart and has very little to do with the details of your wedding. I also firmly believe that love is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.

For many years I was hesitant to get married because I refused to settle for the wrong person. I would rather be happy by myself than mistreated by someone who is supposed to love me.

It really bothers me when I see a marriage or any long-term relationship where the people involved have resigned themselves to being mistreated because they think it beats the alternative of being alone. I don’t think it does.

I do however take marriage very seriously and believe it is a lifelong commitment. So, there has to be some balance between dedicating yourself to a partnership and not tolerating being mistreated. I’m not going to pretend I have some magic solution to keep that balance, but I think it starts with an agreement that the needs of your marriage have to come before your individual needs.

If you have this type of understanding, your personal needs will not be ignored or disregarded. On the contrary, if you enter into a relationship with a person who genuinely loves you and you both agree to put your marriage before yourself, I think it inspires each of you to look out for the other’s needs. Most of the time people start off with this type of mindset, but then gradually selfishness starts to creep in and undermine the whole agreement.

Some people never start off putting their marriage first because they’re afraid of losing their freedom or their independence. I am an extremely independent, strong-minded, and ambitious person. The thought of being controlled by someone else is simply intolerable to me.

Here’s the thing,
I don’t see my marriage as bondage that is going to tie me down.
I don’t see my marriage as a form of control that will stop me from being me.
I don’t see my marriage as an obstacle to my dreams.

I do see my marriage as,

• The comfort of knowing that I get to share all my secrets, fears, & dreams with my best friend.
• The happiness I feel inside because he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful and amazing person he’s ever met.
• The butterflies I get in my stomach because he is the most beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever met.
• The peace I feel because there is no doubt in my mind that his loyalty is to me and our commitment to each other.
• The sense of pride I feel knowing that he respects me and thinks highly of me.
• The encouragement I feel knowing that he is ready to stand by my side through thick & thin, cheering me on to be the best me I can be.

I love, admire, and respect my husband very much. There will no doubt be difficult times in our marriage and times when we have to be reminded to put our marriage first, but I am confident we will never stray too far from that track.

  

We talk to each other the way we want to be spoken to. We both make a genuine effort to consider the other person’s feelings, wants & needs. We TALK to each other and share our concerns. We acknowledge what we appreciate about one another.

  

We have known each other our whole lives and have built a strong friendship that we both highly value. Are we perfect? Absolutely not! But, do we love and respect each other? Without question!

  

I have every intention of reflecting my love for my husband through my daily actions. I pray that God will bless our marriage and never let us forget to look at our marriage through the loving eyes that brought us together in the first place.

 

 

 

Memorable Monday - How am I Going to Live Today?

"How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?" - Anthony Robbins

Since I have just gotten married (I mean literally 2 days ago!) this seemed like a highly appropriate quote.  It's very easy to say that we're committed to certain ideals or to hear a motivational speech and temporarily feel committed to a new way of thinking, but commitment is not some magical thing that just appears out of nowhere.

Whether you're committed to being a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good sister, a good worker, a good church member, or a good member of your community, it all takes work and real effort.  I think we sometimes get caught up in thinking that if we just find the right situation or the right relationship that commitment will just naturally develop.  I don't think so.

I first realized I had to work at the tomorrow I'm committed to when I was a kid in school.  I have a brother who is a year younger than I am.  I've always been a good student and I've always felt pretty smart, but my brother always seemed to be just a little bit smarter and faster than me.  I knew if I was going to shine next to this guy I was going to have to make a real commitment to homework and to putting a ton of effort into my studying.  This was all the more frustrating because his intelligence and wit seemed to just come to him so naturally.

Then, when I was 16 I became a mother and once again I realized that it takes a ton of commitment to be a good mother.  There's so much more to it than just loving your child.  Of course I continue to this day to learn about being a good mom, and a not-so-perfect mom.  The point is, those lessons don't resonate with you unless you first commit to being a good mom.  

I knew that my actions would speak far more than any words I could ever say.  So, I started living the today that would lead to the life I was committed to.  As my daughter grew, I monitored the language I used, the songs I listened to, the clothes that I wore, and the people I chose to spend my free time with.

Then there's friendships...I've made my share of mistakes and have plenty of regrets when it comes to friendships lost.  Each of those losses has affected me and each close friendship I've ever had has taught me how to be a better friend.  I'm much more focused on developing and nurturing those friendships now than I ever have been in the past.  I think this is one of the areas I'll always continue to evaluate and make sure I'm staying true to my commitment.

Last, but certainly not least, is the life I'm going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I've so recently committed to.  I've always been afraid of sharing my life with another person who is my equal, my actual partner.  To tell you the truth, it still scares me.

I've made so many changes in my life to leave behind the things that make me unhappy and to be completely honest, I've walked away from relationships that I just didn't want to work through.  It was so much easier to just walk away.  After all, my true commitment was to my happiness. If I saw someone as an impediment to that goal, I removed them from my life.  So, you can imagine that committing my life to another is a HUGE step for me.

For the first time in my life I am in love with someone who is worth the commitment.  I have married my very best friend who is just as committed to making our marriage thrive as I am.  So, what is it I'm going to do today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?

• I'm going to put the needs of my family above my own.
• I'm going to take my husband's thoughts & feelings into consideration when making decisions that affect our life together.
• I'm going to trust that my husband loves me as much as I love him and is as committed to our marriage as I am.
• I'm going to spend precious time with my family and make sure they know they're my priority.
• I'm going to appreciate the things my husband does to show me that he loves and me and that he cares about his contribution to our family.
• I'm going to treat my husband the way I want him to treat me, with respect, love, and appreciation.

I know those of you who have been married for a while may be rolling your eyes right about now.  But, this is "How I'm  going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to."

Habitat for Humanity East Bay - Women's Crew

Did you know that Habitat for Humanity has a Women's Crew?

Here's what their website has to say about the All Women's Crew:

"The All Women's Crew

Are you a woman interested in volunteering to help families build simple, decent, affordable homes? Would you enjoy learning construction and home repair skills in a fun, safe, team, learning environment? Then Habitat for Humanity East Bay’s All Women's Crew is for you!

The All Women's Crew provides a meaningful and rewarding experience for women who volunteer and financially support Habitat's mission. As they assist low-income families build their homes, Women's Crew members also acquire skills they can use to repair and maintain their own homes."

http://www.habitateb.org/women

As a woman who has always been interested in construction and renovations, I am super excited to find out that Habitat for Humanity encourages women to learn how to build homes!  For those of you who need to fix things around the house more out of necessity than desire, I still think this program can be highly beneficial. Or if your someone who is able to hire contractors to work on your home, this is the type of program that can give you a basic understanding of how construction works.  I strongly recommend having some idea of what a contractor is going to do for you and why.

Habitat for Humanity is one of those charities you can see working right before your eyes.  You don't have to be particularly skilled to participate, and in fact, you will actually receive free training so you can help put a house together.  Where is the downside to volunteering with this organization?

I love the idea of joining my community to help build homes for those who may otherwise never get an opportunity to have their own home.  Here's another thing that impresses me about the Habitat for Humanity approach.  They work at creating sustainable solutions and are aware that their success is dependent on how well their new part of the neighborhood meshes with and is accepted by the existing community.  Without this attitude it's very easy to start off with good intentions and end up with ghettos.  

According to their website, here's Habitat's view:

"Developing neighborhood groups to unify the Habitat community and capture the potential of a Habitat neighborhood once homeowners have moved in. With the structure of a community group or homeowners’ association, neighbors can come together to address all kinds of issues in their community while building strong relationships together. "

http://www.habitateb.org/communitybuilding

Another area that impresses me is that there are many different volunteer opportunities.  I would suggest checking out their website http://eastbay.volunteerhub.com/Events/Browse.aspx, but here are some of the different groups they focus on offering volunteer opportunities for:

Faith Groups

Construction Volunteers

Youth Groups

Women's Groups

Corporate Groups

Non-Construction

Material Donatations

I'm really excited about the opportunity to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity and I'll keep you posted on local builds and other opportunities.  I hope I see some of you out there!

Sometimes She Wishes She Was Never Born (Concrete Angel)

Do you have any demons from your past that seem to sneak up and find you, even years after you feel like you've slain them? 

Martina McBride has a song called Concrete Angel that can instantly take me back to my high school years, which I do not look back on fondly.   These lines in particular really touch me:

 "The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved" - Martina McBride, Concrete Angel

My high school years were some of my toughest and it still breaks my heart when I go back to that place.  I hated school, I hated people, I hated my parents, the list could go on and on...

I had been angry with God for years about letting me be born into such a heartbreaking, demanding, unfair life.  My mother had also told me that she got pregnant with me so that she could get married and get out of her mom's house.  She then quickly cautioned me not to make that same mistake.  Doesn't exactly give you the fuzziest of feelings.

There's one line in particular that is burned into my memory. "Sometimes she wishes she was never born."  I must have had that thought a million & one times.  Then in my English class we were asked to write a paper regarding our opinion on abortion.  And write I did...

 

I wrote a very strong, passionate paper about a women's (or girl's) right to have an abortion.  Not only did I believe this should be her personal right, I honestly believed it was far better to abort a baby than to have one that you didn't want and couldn't love.

I couldn't see any purpose in my life and I knew how much it hurt to grow up with parents who didn't love you, or at least didn't seem to.  I swore I would never put a child through that and I thought people who were against abortion were naive, do-gooders who didn't know a thing about how painful life could be for someone who didn't feel wanted & loved.  I thought they were incredibly self-righteous and uncaring.

As I've grown older and wiser, I've also been blessed with some of the most amazing friendships that have ever existed.  It's crazy how much your heart swells and even spills over when you've discovered true love, and I'm not just talking about romantic love. 

I'm talking about motherhood, friendship, and romantic love all together.  I'm talking about the love that comes from knowing real Christian people who have checked the self-righteousness at the door and who have welcomed you into their family with open, loving arms.  And it comes from a loving, patient God who protects you and forgives you for everything, including being angry with Him.

I'm in no position to judge anyone and I vow to NEVER become one of the uncaring, naive, hypocrites that I so despised.  However, I've also drastically changed my opinion on abortion and I believe every person born on this earth was brought here for a reason. 

I regret all the years that I spent being angry and fighting for the right to take the life of an innocent baby.  I will make it a point to show those "unwanted" babies I come across how much life has to offer and I will share the love with them that has been so graciously poured out on me.

Love is the Foundation

“Love is the foundation from which your decisions about your life should be made.”



Darren L. Johnson


I wonder, when people see this quote if they'll roll their eyes and think it’s too cliché. Will they have thoughts like, "Oh, this girl is so naive and hasn’t experienced enough yet?" Will they think, “Sure she feels this way now, but will she still feel like this after she’s been married for a while?” Or will they nod their heads in agreement and have stories of their own to share about love has affected decisions they’ve made in their own lives?


I’m getting married in less than a week. So, it’s probably very healthy and normal that love would be dominating my thoughts. But, I actually thought of something other than romantic love when I read this quote. Romantic love is wonderful and exciting, but it’s not the only love that resides in my heart.

This particular quote takes me back about 4 or 5 years, when my daughter was still in high school. I remember being irritated because there was a knock on the door well after polite visiting hours. I was in bed reading my book and trying to will myself to get sleepy (I’m still no good at that). Then out of nowhere there was a knock on the door that scared me half to death.


It turned out to be one of my daughter’s friends that I didn’t know very well at the time. We’ll call her Emma. There was something about her presence that made my angry heart melt a little bit, and I can’t even tell you exactly why that happened initially. But, I could sense that she truly needed to speak to my daughter.


I let the girls talk, still feeling slightly irritated. I was anxious to find out what was going on, but again, I had this intense feeling that Emma really needed to speak to my daughter. So, I left them alone for a little while and then the girls approached me with an idea I was very uncomfortable with.

They wanted to know if Emma could stay the night and possibly stay with us for a while. Hmm…



It turns out Emma’s mother was an alcoholic, drug addict. It also turned out that Emma had younger siblings she normally took care of because her mother neglected them. This was sounding a lot like my life as a teenager and I didn’t like it one bit. My heart completely opened up to Emma and I had this overwhelming need to love her and protect her.

Emma had run away that night because her mom’s newest boyfriend was raging out of control and her mother did nothing to shield her children from him. Emma got fed up, called the police, and quickly took off into the dark night. She knew the police would take her siblings to her grandmother and she just couldn’t take her life anymore and had to break away.

My heart breaks for Emma now just thinking about that night. But, it was an encounter that happened much later that truly made me understand the gravity of my decision to let her in and help her that night. Emma ended up living in a safe environment with her grandma, where she was not separated from her younger siblings. It wasn’t an ideal environment, but it was safe.

Emma came to my house frequently in the following year and began calling me mama. I thought that seemed a little extreme. I had really only helped her out that one night and I didn’t feel like I had done anything to warrant the loving title of mama.

Then she came by one day to give me a picture she had painted for me. She’s quite an artist and the picture is beautiful, but dark. It’s an almost black picture with a woman whose image lights up part of the canvass.


When I hugged Emma and thanked her for the picture she said she wanted me to know why she had painted that particular image for me. She told me I was her “light in the night”.

When she left home that night Emma didn’t know what was going to happen to her and she had no idea where to go or what to do. She wandered on the streets of Antioch in the middle of the night, speaking to several homeless men on the way (living near the train tracks).


She started to get scared and then she remembered where my daughter lived and thought she would see if my daughter could help her. She told me that if we hadn’t let her in that night and helped her she felt like she would have died.

I didn’t ask her if she meant she might kill herself or if she thought she would be harmed by someone else. It didn’t really seem relevant. She hugged me and told me she didn’t know what she would have done if I hadn’t been there for her.


Isn’t it amazing what a little bit of love can do in someone’s life? And to think, I started off angry that Emma had knocked on my door too late at night.

California Children’s Outdoor Bill of Rights 04/08/11

Did you know The East Bay Regional Park District has adopted “the California Children's Outdoor Bill of Rights”? Here's what it says:

Every child should have the opportunity to:


- Discover California's past
- Splash in the water
- Play in a safe place
- Camp under the stars

- Explore nature

- Learn to swim

- Play on a team

- Follow a trail

- Catch a fish

- Celebrate their heritage

The Contra Loma Reservoir in Antioch is part of the East Bay Regional Parks District and is encouraging the “California Children’s Outdoor Bill of Rights”.


http://www.ebparks.org/news/12282007

I think we have to start paying attention to the fact that we love our technology and we sometimes forget how important it is to take our kids to the park, the beach, or out for a walk. Our kids have grown used to having almost unlimited access to a DS, a computer, a cell phone, a television, & a Wii. I quite enjoy these things myself and I’m not suggesting we cut them out of our lives and or prevent our kids from enjoying enjoying them either.

That said, I think we all need to spend some time outdoors and we all need to spend some quality time with other human beings. We don’t all enjoy the same activities, and that’s okay. There are so many options out there. Did you notice some of the “bill of rights”?

• Splash in the water

• Play in a safe place

• Explore nature

• Learn to swim

These are things we used to take for granted in our community. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to get back to that point. Children are so inquisitive and as parents and other adults in the community we have so much opportunity to encourage their learning and their relationships with people and nature. If we’re lucky, we may just gain something ourselves from the experience.

The Contra Loma Resevoir is a treasure sitting in our own backyard and I absolutely want to support the initiative they're taking with the "California Children's Bill of Rights".

Do you realize how lucky we are to live in the Bay Area with so much beauty and wonder all around us? It would be a shame to bury that treasure and never realize its true beauty.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be spending some time at the Contra Loma Reservoir this spring & summer. Hope to see you there!

My Grandma - My Shining Light

Who has been a shining light in your life? 

For me, there's no doubt it's my grandparents - especially my Grandma (aka the most loving woman on the planet).

I grew up in a house with young, immature, rebellious, unhealthy, drug-addicted parents who hated each other.  Not the most pleasant environment to say the least.  There were plenty of times with no food, no electricity, and where new school clothes or school supplies were not considered necessities.

I was the oldest of four kids, plus two younger cousins who lived with us.  So, parenting pretty much fell on my shoulders.  This was all the more frustrating because my parents didn't just willing give up that role.  Knowing when I was expected be the parent and when I was expected to be the child was an almost impossible feat.

My mother and I stopped getting along when I was about 10 or 11.  Her drug & alcohol addictions were pretty much taking over her life by then and as they did she grew more and more contemptuous of me.

You can imagine how easily this environment could breed contempt, anger, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness.  And I must admit, I've struggled with all of these feelings for many years.

Throughout all the trials and tribulations I ever went through there was one person in the world who I knew genuinely loved me, and that was my Grandma.  If she's not an angel, she's the closest thing to it.

Most of my life she's lived across the country from me and it kills me to be so far away from her.  There's never been any doubt in my mind that she thinks I'm beautiful, smart, talented, and worth something.  She has made me feel adored my entire life and without her there's no doubt I would have had no shield against all the negative forces I battled every day.

My Grandma showed me what it's like to be a loving wife, mother, grandma & sister. 

My Grandma showed me what it's like to put others before yourself just to bring them a little happiness. 

My Grandma showed me that you can have very little money and still make someone feel like they are the most important person in the whole world.

My Grandma showed me what it means to put your family before everything else in your life and to love them always, even when you don't like the choices their making.

My Grandma showed me how to be a friend and to listen to those around me.  She showed me that love, loyalty, respect and kindness are the foundation to friendships that will last a lifetime.  

My Grandma showed me what it's like to be a faithful Christian who loves God with all her heart, all her mind, and all her spirit.

Unless you've lived in complete darkness, you can't truly appreciate what it means to have one shining light in your life.  But, I think everyone can relate to having someone who lights their path at some point. 

I wouldn't be who I am today without my Grandma and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with her love.

Don't ever underestimate the power you have to be the light for someone else.  You never know the impact it may have on them.