Talk to Me Tuesday – The Real Act of Marriage

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make - not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.

 

- Barbara De Angelis

I’m a married woman now! So guess what topic is hot on my mind? 

 

I absolutely agree that marriage does take place in your heart and has very little to do with the details of your wedding. I also firmly believe that love is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.

For many years I was hesitant to get married because I refused to settle for the wrong person. I would rather be happy by myself than mistreated by someone who is supposed to love me.

It really bothers me when I see a marriage or any long-term relationship where the people involved have resigned themselves to being mistreated because they think it beats the alternative of being alone. I don’t think it does.

I do however take marriage very seriously and believe it is a lifelong commitment. So, there has to be some balance between dedicating yourself to a partnership and not tolerating being mistreated. I’m not going to pretend I have some magic solution to keep that balance, but I think it starts with an agreement that the needs of your marriage have to come before your individual needs.

If you have this type of understanding, your personal needs will not be ignored or disregarded. On the contrary, if you enter into a relationship with a person who genuinely loves you and you both agree to put your marriage before yourself, I think it inspires each of you to look out for the other’s needs. Most of the time people start off with this type of mindset, but then gradually selfishness starts to creep in and undermine the whole agreement.

Some people never start off putting their marriage first because they’re afraid of losing their freedom or their independence. I am an extremely independent, strong-minded, and ambitious person. The thought of being controlled by someone else is simply intolerable to me.

Here’s the thing,
I don’t see my marriage as bondage that is going to tie me down.
I don’t see my marriage as a form of control that will stop me from being me.
I don’t see my marriage as an obstacle to my dreams.

I do see my marriage as,

• The comfort of knowing that I get to share all my secrets, fears, & dreams with my best friend.
• The happiness I feel inside because he makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful and amazing person he’s ever met.
• The butterflies I get in my stomach because he is the most beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever met.
• The peace I feel because there is no doubt in my mind that his loyalty is to me and our commitment to each other.
• The sense of pride I feel knowing that he respects me and thinks highly of me.
• The encouragement I feel knowing that he is ready to stand by my side through thick & thin, cheering me on to be the best me I can be.

I love, admire, and respect my husband very much. There will no doubt be difficult times in our marriage and times when we have to be reminded to put our marriage first, but I am confident we will never stray too far from that track.

  

We talk to each other the way we want to be spoken to. We both make a genuine effort to consider the other person’s feelings, wants & needs. We TALK to each other and share our concerns. We acknowledge what we appreciate about one another.

  

We have known each other our whole lives and have built a strong friendship that we both highly value. Are we perfect? Absolutely not! But, do we love and respect each other? Without question!

  

I have every intention of reflecting my love for my husband through my daily actions. I pray that God will bless our marriage and never let us forget to look at our marriage through the loving eyes that brought us together in the first place.

 

 

 

Sometimes She Wishes She Was Never Born (Concrete Angel)

Do you have any demons from your past that seem to sneak up and find you, even years after you feel like you've slain them? 

Martina McBride has a song called Concrete Angel that can instantly take me back to my high school years, which I do not look back on fondly.   These lines in particular really touch me:

 "The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved" - Martina McBride, Concrete Angel

My high school years were some of my toughest and it still breaks my heart when I go back to that place.  I hated school, I hated people, I hated my parents, the list could go on and on...

I had been angry with God for years about letting me be born into such a heartbreaking, demanding, unfair life.  My mother had also told me that she got pregnant with me so that she could get married and get out of her mom's house.  She then quickly cautioned me not to make that same mistake.  Doesn't exactly give you the fuzziest of feelings.

There's one line in particular that is burned into my memory. "Sometimes she wishes she was never born."  I must have had that thought a million & one times.  Then in my English class we were asked to write a paper regarding our opinion on abortion.  And write I did...

 

I wrote a very strong, passionate paper about a women's (or girl's) right to have an abortion.  Not only did I believe this should be her personal right, I honestly believed it was far better to abort a baby than to have one that you didn't want and couldn't love.

I couldn't see any purpose in my life and I knew how much it hurt to grow up with parents who didn't love you, or at least didn't seem to.  I swore I would never put a child through that and I thought people who were against abortion were naive, do-gooders who didn't know a thing about how painful life could be for someone who didn't feel wanted & loved.  I thought they were incredibly self-righteous and uncaring.

As I've grown older and wiser, I've also been blessed with some of the most amazing friendships that have ever existed.  It's crazy how much your heart swells and even spills over when you've discovered true love, and I'm not just talking about romantic love. 

I'm talking about motherhood, friendship, and romantic love all together.  I'm talking about the love that comes from knowing real Christian people who have checked the self-righteousness at the door and who have welcomed you into their family with open, loving arms.  And it comes from a loving, patient God who protects you and forgives you for everything, including being angry with Him.

I'm in no position to judge anyone and I vow to NEVER become one of the uncaring, naive, hypocrites that I so despised.  However, I've also drastically changed my opinion on abortion and I believe every person born on this earth was brought here for a reason. 

I regret all the years that I spent being angry and fighting for the right to take the life of an innocent baby.  I will make it a point to show those "unwanted" babies I come across how much life has to offer and I will share the love with them that has been so graciously poured out on me.

My Grandma - My Shining Light

Who has been a shining light in your life? 

For me, there's no doubt it's my grandparents - especially my Grandma (aka the most loving woman on the planet).

I grew up in a house with young, immature, rebellious, unhealthy, drug-addicted parents who hated each other.  Not the most pleasant environment to say the least.  There were plenty of times with no food, no electricity, and where new school clothes or school supplies were not considered necessities.

I was the oldest of four kids, plus two younger cousins who lived with us.  So, parenting pretty much fell on my shoulders.  This was all the more frustrating because my parents didn't just willing give up that role.  Knowing when I was expected be the parent and when I was expected to be the child was an almost impossible feat.

My mother and I stopped getting along when I was about 10 or 11.  Her drug & alcohol addictions were pretty much taking over her life by then and as they did she grew more and more contemptuous of me.

You can imagine how easily this environment could breed contempt, anger, bitterness, loneliness, and hopelessness.  And I must admit, I've struggled with all of these feelings for many years.

Throughout all the trials and tribulations I ever went through there was one person in the world who I knew genuinely loved me, and that was my Grandma.  If she's not an angel, she's the closest thing to it.

Most of my life she's lived across the country from me and it kills me to be so far away from her.  There's never been any doubt in my mind that she thinks I'm beautiful, smart, talented, and worth something.  She has made me feel adored my entire life and without her there's no doubt I would have had no shield against all the negative forces I battled every day.

My Grandma showed me what it's like to be a loving wife, mother, grandma & sister. 

My Grandma showed me what it's like to put others before yourself just to bring them a little happiness. 

My Grandma showed me that you can have very little money and still make someone feel like they are the most important person in the whole world.

My Grandma showed me what it means to put your family before everything else in your life and to love them always, even when you don't like the choices their making.

My Grandma showed me how to be a friend and to listen to those around me.  She showed me that love, loyalty, respect and kindness are the foundation to friendships that will last a lifetime.  

My Grandma showed me what it's like to be a faithful Christian who loves God with all her heart, all her mind, and all her spirit.

Unless you've lived in complete darkness, you can't truly appreciate what it means to have one shining light in your life.  But, I think everyone can relate to having someone who lights their path at some point. 

I wouldn't be who I am today without my Grandma and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with her love.

Don't ever underestimate the power you have to be the light for someone else.  You never know the impact it may have on them.

Talk to Me Tuesdays

I'd really like to hear what your interests are about the Contra Costa County community, or about community in general.

So, I've decided to start Talk to Me Tuesdays.  This is your chance to tell me what's on your mind so we can talk about it.


Looking forward to the conversation.